Last year I got a call from one of my cousins`s workplace and it sounded urgent. Rushing there all I could think of was maybe she collapsed and I was wondering why they are not calling me from the hospital or asking me to meet them there. When I got there I found a group of people standing outside offices and she was among them looking all fit. Immediately I knew I shouldn't have come, she probably has done something terrible, something unthinkable but it was too late to turn back.
As I walked towards them I saw her car, burnt, my heart skipped and I stopped on the way where she met me. I wanted to ask what happened but then decided that's not what she needed at that time. Gave her a hug and we stood there in a moment of silence for sometime then she whispered into my ear, "I lost my job yesterday, was given my retrenchment letter." My heart collapsed. I found myself wondering the implications of having your heart go up there as if it will escape through your throat and in a matter of seconds sink down and all you can do is close your legs tight so it doesn't leave you through wherever. I was devastated, tears filled my eyes but I knew I was better than that. I was not going to cry, not in front of her and not in front of these people.
I thanked the people there and told her we can go home. She said, "No, I have a class, I am fine." I don't know what got into me and I found myself lashing at her, "Yes you are going home, Who do you think you are? Miss Hardcore? No Pain? Who are you trying to show how strong you can be or you want to look miserable here with people feeling pity for you. You think that will bring back your car or your job?." I was angry and in pain and I could relate how our parents used to beat us for hurting ourselves. It wasn't because they didn't care but because they cared too deep to see you go through the same ordeal again. I hated the way she acted tough because I knew it wouldn't last. I hated how she didn't want to feel the pain and accept it. I hated the way her voice sounded and the words she used because to me it sounded like someone who was helpless and wanted people to pity her. I hated every moment of it.
I was not going to tell her it was going to be fine because I knew it was not going to be miraculously fine. If you want things to be fine, you don't just wish and wait for them to be fine. You work to make things fine. It starts with the little decisions and steps you take, and the first step is acknowledging the pain, feeling the pain and going through the pain. Submerging the pain doesn't make you strong or make the pain go away. It only prolong the healing process. Many times we know what caused us the pain in the first place and we cant get out of it because we are still in denial of what we did wrong. We need someone to blame for our pain and never do we blame ourselves. As soon as we realize our wrong doings the sooner we will be able to move forward as better people.
Yes, admitting your faults is more painful but if you want to be a better person you need to understand what you need to change about yourself to be that person you wish to. I always find this phrase used by most people that "its who I am, I cant change, I am always like this" annoying because who you are its a matter of choice. You decide who you want to be, its not something embedded in your DNA. Pain should change you, It should make you see things in a different perspective. It should make you want to be better. If you find yourself wishing things could go back to where you were before pain, know that you have not experienced pain enough to never look back.
PAIN IS A LESSON.
