I am one person who is argumentative when it comes to relationships. For some reason I believe in beautiful relationships, in their existence so to speak. In one of my previous posts I talked about why I never wanted to get married but later on changed my mind, Did I? I guess.. maybe.. well obviously because I am married and 5 years into it, though my husband and I are still figuring this marriage thing.
I think we both decided to stick to this boyfriend/girlfriend thing and leave marriage to paper.
In the event of understanding relationships, marriage and dating, one thing that stood out for me was our culture or societal pressures put on women. As a man you are brought up to believe you can get or date any woman of your choice. Our society makes our brothers feel like its their birth right to be able to make that choice. That makes it OK for a man to date a woman and throw her away like it never happened. Women on the other side are programmed to believe you have to wait for a signal and act on that signal. If there is no signal then Welcome to being Single and lonely.
Women are stuck in relationships they don`t want simply because they are afraid to be on the waiting list. We wonder if we lose this person who is going to love us again(as if we are loved), how long will we wait until the next person comes? "I am getting old, I have many kids, I need someone to take care of me, I will rather die here." If you ask someone out you are labelled, called names and suddenly you are not woman enough. I always wonder if this is the life we want for our kids.
One message I always give to my younger cousins is;
You can get any man you want BUT, Not any man should have you! This translates to, Be a choice BUT not an option. After dating for sometime and getting my heart broken I intentionally decided that I was going to work hard on myself and for myself to be the woman I wanted to be. I decided to give myself the best present anyone could give me which is believing in myself, loving myself, respecting myself, trusting myself, forgiving myself and intentionally growing myself. I knew with this present I wouldn`t need any validation from anyone that I am beautiful because I know I am beautiful, I know I am intelligent, I know I am worthy and I know my value.
I tell them, if you dont have a stand, and dont know your worth, and what you want, you will watch as people dictate what goes in and out of your life. I tell them afford yourself so the next person understands what they can bring to the table is pure and genuine love, nothing else. We spend time looking for people to fulfill our needs that we overlook people who wants to love us and we still say we want love to be served. If you come looking hungry, someone will give you food.
Buy your own drinks, dont let some make you drink Heineken when you dont find it tasty. Be able to say "No thanks love, I will get myself a bottle of Amarula". Be able to say "my cab is waiting for me outside", when someone is still negotiating on taking you home. When I met my husband and he asked for my number, I said "No, give me yours instead, I know you men dont call", well he insisted and he called the same day just to say "See, I called, I am not like all men", and the rest is history. Be intentional..
