Life without a Father! (daughter`s perspective)

I have no idea which one is more painful or pleasant, No Mother or No Father. I thank God for both my parents but mostly my mother. Asking me “How does it feel like to have No Father?” will be like asking me “How is it in Heaven?” We all want to go to Heaven and at the same time we are afraid to die. That’s because it’s only a place we can envision from what is said about it or from what the Bible tell us but it’s difficult to put an emotion to it. We are not even sure we would like the place even though we are promised milk and honey. The only experience we have is earth and whether it’s good or bad we don’t want to leave, it’s all we have.

Like I explained above its difficult for me to attach any feeling on whether I wish my father was present on my life or Not. It’s that part of my life that never existed and obviously I don’t see how I could miss it. I have never seen him or his family so I can’t even imagine where I got my looks, traits and talents. It’s even difficult to know whether what I am feeling is good or bad. Growing up in an extended family made it difficult to notice that there is a part of me missing. I can’t imagine how my life would have turned out had he been part of it, and it’s not something that comes to my mind. As much as I believe that the absence of one parent affects the child, it’s always difficult to put a measure of to what extent, whether positive or negative and I wouldn’t even try to go there.

Some things I learnt and will cherish to my grave that the absence of my father taught me are;

• Self-love;  don’t expect anyone to love or care for you more than yourself, don’t blame yourself or make excuses for someone who doesn’t know your worth. It starts with accepting yourself and being content with who you are (your flaws, mistakes, imperfections make you who you are). Keep on getting better.
• Self-dependence; Not everyone will be there for you all the time. Prepare yourself to be abandoned by the ones you trusted the most. You are all you have and you can do bad or good all by yourself. Be grateful for those who stick around but know that, it’s not forever.
• Forgiveness; Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hatred. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness.
• Don’t judge before you know the truth; not everything is as we see or hear about it. You have no idea of the pain behind that smile or the happiness behind that cry. There is always a deeper reason as to why we behave the way we do than it meets the eye. Never try to find faults in other people before you notice yours.

When something unfortunate happens in your life, it doesn’t change who you are. Don’t put a label on yourself in search of pity. Don’t blame yourself or anyone because you still have your own mistakes and choices to make and you wouldn’t want to be blamed. Being raised by one parent doesn’t make you any different from the child raised by both parents. We are all presented with equal opportunities in life and it’s up to us to live the life we want. Don’t make your kids despise one of the parent because of the decisions made. You are enough for that kid until they realize they have to fend for themselves.

 Be a better person and face your fears and conquer whatever life throws at you. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, be determined to change the status quo. Let all the challenges you go through be a motivation to be a better person and to excel. Concentrate your energy into being the best you can instead of being revengeful. 

Just for Laughs (Part 2)..4 jokes that cracks me up every time…

This one ain`t a joke, my cousin was so naughty, (he still is) to a point that it became so annoying. He was 2+ years old at the time and was still learning some words and what they meant. They taught him to answer to any question that started with “Ke mang yo o….?”, “Who did this?” with “Ke nna!”, “Its me.” He would run to the person asking and start shaking them to get the attention, shouting “Ke nna!”He used to get all the beating and what used to kill me with laughter was the expression on his face, going from excitement to sorrow and the fact that he didn't know what he did wrong. Little did we know that we were turning him into a young brilliant liar. Nowadays if you ask him, “How are you?”, he will quickly say “Its not me!”.

And this story my cousin and I laugh about every day. Her cousin was attacked by a thief and demanded for the wallet and cell phone holding a stone on his hand. The cousin was brave enough, and that’s the reason I love English Medium schools as we call them. They teach kids to be brave and to stand up for themselves. He stood there tapping his fingers asking, “So what are you gonna do?” (with that English Medium tone and confidence). My guess is the thief`s response was “I can show you better than I can tell you!” The thief griped him by the neck, held him close and start beating him on the head with the stone clenched to his hand. He took his wallet and the phone and walked away. Moral of the story: You don’t question our traditional thieves because they get so annoyed especially if you try to intimidate them with the Queen`s language. Just give them their belongings and walk away unharmed.

God forgive me for this one but I just can`t resist it. Accidents are awful and there is nothing funny about them. I find this joke funny because I am definitely sure it never happened. It’s a well-known joke but I find it funny every time I hear it. The accident where one`s lips were cut from the mouth and his teeth left outside (smiling type of way). I can imagine how people got pissed by seeing him “smiling” when other people were hurting. “Sir, can you please stop laughing, if you are not going to help us, at least move away from here”.. And the hurting guy trying to explain that he is not smiling…lol.  Anyway these things happen and life goes on. I guess the moral of the story here is Don’t judge a book by its cover (hope i used it correctly)

The last joke: there is always one person in our circles who is just naturally funny. The kind of person you try to avoid when you are in public because you would not want to embarrass yourself. You will laugh until you see your tears running down your legs… And to me they don’t even have to say anything, I start laughing the moment they try to open their mouth to say something. I know for sure whats going to come out of their mouth is funny so I don’t even have to wait to hear what they are going to say. I don’t waste my time. One day you will experience such and you will understand what I am talking about.

And keep a sense of humor. It doesn’t mean you have to tell jokes. If you can’t think of anything else, when you’re my age, take off your clothes and walk in front of a mirror. I guarantee you’ll get a laugh. — Art Linkletter

Do you stand out? (What brand are you?)

 When you know what you want in life and you are willing to work hard to achieve that then you can`t live a free life as you wish. You just can’t, period!

The way you talk, walk, eat, laugh, sneeze, sing, smile, dress,  greet other people, respond to conversations are determined by what you want to achieve, they don’t just happen haphazardly. In our everyday life we are working on creating a brand that can stand out, a brand that we are comfortable in and it starts with knowing what you want and knowing your worth. There is nothing like a bad brand but rather we associate ourselves with different brands due to our different tastes. It’s funny how brands that we don’t associate with always stand out and we are able to recognize but we find it hard to recognize those we think are good for us. A bully who terrorizes the whole village will be known by all and recognized but that faithful woman who takes care of her family won`t be recognized, who cares anyway!

Don’t you think those two people have put equal efforts on creating those brands, for it takes determination, handwork, and persistence to become what you really want to be? Someone will say some brands will not get you anywhere in life and I say that’s your theory still to be proven. What I want is NOT what you want, what makes me happy is NOT what makes you happy. I always envy those people who have managed to build their own brand from scratch and it came out so good that you can’t even imitate.

I remember watching this police story on BTV on bullying and I couldn't stop shaking my head throughout the series because the guy was good. First you should have a dream and then deduce a plan on how to achieve that dream. So his dream was to go to jail, at least I think that was the bigger picture. You don’t just wake up today and go to jail, you have to work hard to achieve that. He decided to bully everyone in the village, from kids to elders. He got recognized everywhere because his brand stood out and he wouldn't pass by without anyone noticing that this guy is going places (to jail of course). He was that good! The question is, Are you that good?

Personal branding is basically selling someone your personality. You need to think hard about HOW you act. You should have a clearly identifiable personality so that people can easily feel like they know you personally, even if they've never met you.

Because your personal brand is built from the thoughts and words and reactions of other people, it’s shaped by how you present yourself publicly. This is something that you have control over. You can decide how you would like people to see you and then work on publicly being that image. Values are the easiest thing to present and have people identify with, so start there. Are you the sort of person who puts ethics above everything else?

Every good brand involves the notion of expertise.  Even if you’re not interested in marketing your advice, you need to create the perception that you are very good at what you do. You need to be an active force in your field. You need to be changing, innovating, and making a significant contribution to your field at all times or else your brand will die out over time.

Be good at what you do so people don’t have to guess if that could be you or not. Stand out from the crowd and show the whole world the true YOU. Be passionate about your brand and let it last a lifetime.

It’s not pride – it’s self-respect!

Here are bits and pieces from different articles I read this month to inspire you. Hope you enjoy!

“If people want something to be wrong about you— they are going to make things wrong about you. That is why it is my belief to never try and prove anything to anyone. Real diamonds belong to people who know how to spot a real diamond; they don’t belong to people who need to be convinced that they are real diamonds. It’s the idiots who need to be convinced of something that they cannot already see.” - C. JoyBell C

You were born to be real, not to be perfect.  You’re here to be YOU, not to be what someone else wants you to be.  Stand up for yourself, look them in the eye, and say, “Don’t judge me until you know me, don’t underestimate me until you challenge me, and don’t talk about me until you've talked to me.”

Rest assured – happy people are not immune to hard days, heartbreak, or feeling like a fool!  The difference is they turn frustrations into fuel and rebuild from the pebbles they discovered after hitting rock bottom.

When someone treats you like you’re just one of many options, help them narrow their choice by removing yourself from the equation.  Sometimes you have to try not to care, no matter how much you do.  Because sometimes you can mean almost nothing to someone who means so much to you.  It’s not pride – it’s self-respect.  Don’t expect to see positive changes in your life if you surround yourself with negative people.  Don’t give part-time people a full-time position in your life.  Know your value and what you have to offer, and never settle for anything less than what you deserve.

Many times people can sense when someone is insecure. They see it from the way you walk, sit or interact with others. You slump. Your head hangs down. Your arms lay tightly crossed, fists clenched. Eyes wander. Voice low.

Confidence does not come from a number on the scale, attention from the opposite sex or Instagram likes. All of those things can only create a temporary feeling. Ultimately, you are left with your thoughts, so learn to make them positive.

Follow your heart, and take your brain with you.  When you are truly comfortable in your own skin, not everyone will like you, but you won’t care about it one bit. Knowing what you want in life and going for it, is not Pride but Knowing your worth.

Do you:

1.    Settle for less than you deserve?

2.    Chase love that isn’t yours?

3.    Make someone your priority while you’re their option?

4.    Care more what others think of you than you think about yourself?

5.    Spend time with people who can’t commit or are already in a relationship?

6.    Think that “I’m not enough.”

7.    Put your life on hold because you’re waiting to see what the other person will do?

8.    Go along with your partner whims instead of expressing what you’d like?

9.  Seek love, appreciation and approval from your partner instead of finding them within?

10. Rationalize your partner’s bad behaviour even though it hurts you?

11. Manipulate or control your partner?

12. Let your partner’s words and actions determine your mood?

If “yes” or “sometimes” are your answers to any of the questions above, other people and external circumstances are determining your worth.

Who is the "side chick"???

For a change I thought I should write about something that doesn't concern anyone and is not important, you get my point?

I have heard this name "side chick" many times and never understood what it meant. So I want to know from people out there what it really means and how to tell the difference between the "side chick" and "main chick", whatever that means also?

But of course I have my own opinion which is somewhat not true or right definition, but I am all ears to be convinced otherwise. If you are married this is not meant for you, but rather for us who have false confidence of promoting ourselves in a relationship without even discussing it with our partners.

Here is the scenario; you start dating this guy and all is cool first months, you don`t ask him about his other girlfriends, you don`t check his phone, you don`t inquire about his friends or his whereabouts, all is superb Until maybe he say something or show you something (I am still to find out what it is though). I call it promotion because now you start calling the shots, hehehehe Modemo! You all know what I am talking about but that`s not the point, you get my point?

The point here is how do you know you are not the side chick? What gives you the guts to call another woman a side chick? What promise were you given that was not given to that other woman? We all know these brothers are not loyal... they are still searching for that lady who can wear their wedding ring and before they make that choice, don`t we think we all stand a better chance? Where is fair competition, I think Competition Authority should look into this matter. "Stay away from my man", the common phrase, hee Batho! what man? whose man? come on guys.

Imagine if the same unfair competition was used when applying for a job. And those with the confidence that they will get the job start harassing those who also want to apply. I can already hear them saying "stay away from my job", and go to the extent of tearing up your application or even beating you up at the interview, ijoo!

You are only cheated on if you are married, otherwise just take a chill pill and relax and take care of yourself. Those battles are not meant for you. You are after all a side chick, period!, wait for the lawful and rightful promotion. We should be fighting against being treated as side chicks, instead of fighting other side chicks. That's so disrespectful to the female species and should be condemned....

Caution: Dont try this at home...

When love hurts!

“Those who are faithful know only the trivial side of love: it is the faithless who know love's tragedies.” Oscar Wilde. I have no idea why I wrote this quote but just IGNORE it, its meaningless..

The scariest thing about falling in love is getting hurt. The scariest thing about getting hurt is not being able to love again. The scariest thing about not loving again is being alone.

To live is to risk dying; 

To hope is to risk failure. 

And to love is to risk rejection; 

But risk must be taken because the greatest hazard in life is risking nothing. To reach for another is to risk involvement, to expose your feelings is to expose true-self; to love is to risk not to be loved in return.

Yes, love does hurt. But that does not mean that you should withdraw into a shell. Find the courage to fight for your dignity and survival. Bandage your broken spirit. The best thing to do when you fall down is to dust yourself and get up once again. Shrug off that feeling of despondency, and chin up.

There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature. A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, done with. Holding on to anger, resentment and hurt only gives you tense muscles, a headache and a sore jaw from clenching your teeth. Forgiveness gives you back the laughter and the lightness in your life.

Sometimes the only way to know love is to experience what love is not. Whatever the question, challenge or decision, love is always the answer. God is perfect love, and His desire is for us to model His character. Healing from hurts moves us closer to love.

LOVE: fall but do not stumble, be constant but not too persistent, share and never be unfair, understand and try not to demand, hurt but keep the pain. Our journey here on earth  is to find our way back to unconditional self-love. I give respect to all those whose hearts have been stabbed on, trashed but still found the courage to love again. To those who are wounded right now, my heart beats for you and Remember; Time heals all wounds. You are smart, you are perfect, you are beautiful and lovable. Have a heart that never hardens, a temper that never tires, and a touch that never hurts.

Learn and keep moving.

Don`t You Quit!

Steve Jobs said being fired from Apple was the best thing that could have happened to him; "The heaviness of being successful was replaced by the lightness of being a beginner again, less sure about everything. It freed me to enter one of the most creative periods of my life." And he added, "I'm pretty sure none of this would have happened if I hadn't been fired from Apple. It was awful-tasting medicine, but I guess the patient needed it."

1.    Don’t be afraid to be alone

Along the journey you will be tested. You will go through the unexpected; you will lose those you love be it through death, through breakups. You will lose that job that has been putting food on the table. You will lose trust on some people and they will lose trust in you. They will sabotage every effort you make. They will call you names and shame you. When this happen what do you do? Who do you turn to? This will seem like end of your life if you don’t have a dream and focus. When you have a dream and passion you will not be afraid to be alone. Each one of us has their distinctive purpose in life and dream. You cannot rely on anyone to make you happy and to live your dream, so don’t expect to have someone holding your hand always. Our friends, family, spouses and other people in your life are there to support you, to give you direction and advice when needed and to encourage you but not to live your life and they will not always be by your side. Know that the time will come when you will have to face this world on your own, make your own memories and experiences; to conquer your fears and focus on your dream to make it real.

2.    Be willing to trade off.

Many things will stand on your way to achieve your goals. Those excuses you make every day, if it wasn’t for this, I would have achieved that. Learn to priorities everything in your life. What is more important in your life? How much value does each aspect of your life add to your dream? Living your passion means not compromising, if your best friend is pulling you down instead of adding value to your life, trade off. If your job is standing on your way to achieve what you truly want, trade off. If your partner is of no profit to your life, draining you emotionally, physically, financially and in any way, don’t compromise; trade off.  There are always dream stealers out there. Don’t let them get the better of you. Be willing to trade off, and you can only be able to do that if you are not afraid to be alone.

3.       Fight the urge to give up.

When you know why, how will be automatic. When you know why, you will not quit. Be content with your why, because your why is your dream. Like this Poem says;

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you're trudging seems all uphill, When the funds are low and the debts are high, And you want to smile, but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit, Rest, if you must, but don't you quit.Life is queer with its twists and turns, As every one of us sometimes learns, And many a failure turns about, When he might have won had he stuck it out; Don't give up though the pace seems slow-- You may succeed with another blow.Often the goal is nearer than, It seems to a faint and faltering man, Often the struggler has given up, When he might have captured the victor's cup, And he learned too late when the night slipped down, How close he was to the golden crown.Success is failure turned inside out-- The silver tint of the clouds of doubt, And you never can tell how close you are, It may be near when it seems so far, So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit-- It's when things seem worst that you must not quit.- Author unknown –