Pain: What it teaches you

Last year I got a call from one of my cousins`s workplace and it sounded urgent. Rushing there all I could think of was maybe she collapsed and I was wondering why they are not calling me from the hospital or asking me to meet them there. When I got there I found a group of people standing outside offices and she was among them looking all fit. Immediately I knew I shouldn't have come, she probably has done something terrible, something unthinkable but it was too late to turn back.

As I walked towards them I saw her car, burnt, my heart skipped and I stopped on the way where she met me. I wanted to ask what happened but then decided that's not what she needed at that time. Gave her a hug and we stood there in a moment of silence for sometime then she whispered into my ear, "I lost my job yesterday, was given my retrenchment letter." My heart collapsed. I found myself wondering the implications of having your heart go up there as if it will escape through your throat and in a matter of seconds sink down and all you can do is close your legs tight so it doesn't leave you through wherever. I was devastated, tears filled my eyes but I knew I was better than that. I was not going to cry, not in front of her and not in front of these people.

I thanked the people there and told her we can go home. She said, "No, I have a class, I am fine." I don't know what got into me and I found myself lashing at her, "Yes you are going home, Who do you think you are? Miss Hardcore? No Pain? Who are you trying to show how strong you can be or you want to look miserable here with people feeling pity for you. You think that will bring back your car or your job?." I was angry and in pain and I could relate how our parents used to beat us for hurting ourselves. It wasn't because they didn't care but because they cared too deep to see you go through the same ordeal again. I hated the way she acted tough because I knew it wouldn't last. I hated how she didn't want to feel the pain and accept it. I hated the way her voice sounded and the words she used because to me it sounded like someone who was helpless and wanted people to pity her. I hated every moment of it.

I was not going to tell her it was going to be fine because I knew it was not going to be miraculously fine. If you want things to be fine, you don't just wish and wait for them to be fine. You work to make things fine. It starts with the little decisions and steps you take, and the first step is acknowledging the pain, feeling the pain and going through the pain. Submerging the pain doesn't make you strong or make the pain go away. It only prolong the healing process. Many times we know what caused us the pain in the first place and we cant get out of it because we are still in denial of what we did wrong. We need someone to blame for our pain and never do we blame ourselves. As soon as we realize our wrong doings the sooner we will be able to move forward as better people.

Yes, admitting your faults is more painful but if you want to be a better person you need to understand what you need to change about yourself to be that person you wish to. I always find this phrase used by most people that "its who I am, I cant change, I am always like this" annoying because who you are its a matter of choice. You decide who you want to be, its not something embedded in your DNA. Pain should change you, It should make you see things in a different perspective. It should make you want to be better. If you find yourself wishing things could go back to where you were before pain, know that you have not experienced pain enough to never look back. 

PAIN IS A LESSON.

Be warned!

2016 was a great year especially for me. I had so many things to figure out and to decide on. There was so much of wondering and a bit of what ifs here and there. One message I got from last year which transformed my thinking was “Don`t just go through life, but grow through life, for Growth is Joy.”

I know my birthday is a bit far but I need all of you my beloved friends to know that I am growing through life and I don`t need past years negativity and witchcraft surrounding me. I don`t understand why you people act like you are history books, and where do you get the memory to keep such archives. The way I take selfies everyday my phone wouldn`t allow me to keep any photo I took yesterday. But you people have photos from 5 years back, my cousin has a photo taken in 1987 in her phone, I mean shouldn`t that photo be at a museum at least or maybe a monument like “Dikgosi tse tharo”, that would make sense.

You wait until they get a Facebook notification saying “Its Tsaone`s birthday today”, Yo! Yo! Yo! You will swear they just got out of witchcraft initiation, strong and ready to take down the world. Before you know it your timeline is full of people you don`t even recognize and they are using these ugly people to wish you a happy birthday. Why don`t you type “HBD” if you have nothing good to say. You peep through the photos and you see three people, “the witch”, you and a guy beside you, when you look closer, “Your Ex”! uhu... You don`t have any picture of you and this guy/girl, don`t know how he/she might look like now, you don`t even know whether he/she is in Botswana or relocated to Francistown and someone have the audacity to surprise you. Well I am surprised, very much surprised.

As if that is not enough, another one posts a picture of you back then, before real phones and makeup, you know those photos when you had acne problem and your face looked really bad. Hehehehe! 10 minutes later you have 45 inboxes and 73 friend requests of people asking you what you used on your face, sad stories of people telling you how long they have been struggling with pimples and you should help them. Do you know how hard it is to start replying to those people saying “ My sister I know what you are talking about, surrender yourself God and you will find your healing. Let him cleanse you, you will see miracles” when you know your skin is still the same but you have grown to accept it and bought your makeup kit and a real phone. You know better not to take that negativity to Facebook.

If you don`t have any good picture of me say it now so I send you my perfect selfies. And delete all those photos you have of me. Just delete all of them, I know they bad, you didn`t take me from my good side and beauty was not activated, and that was not me. Do unto others what you would like done unto you. Some phones are better left to do what they are good at, calling and sending messages. Motho a te a leke go ntsaya senepe ka Nokia, o tlaa utwa hela ka mpama ha gare ga matho. Less talking, more action.

Change your story!

Life can be cruel at times. You can get the hardest slap across your face that would send you down on your bottom. When this happens we react differently, some lie there and cry their heart out, cursing everyone and everything and even the day they were born. You ask yourself "Why me?", why not you?.

And then we have the fearless ones, those who no matter how painful and hard the slap they will stand up and face the challenge again. They remind me of the school fights back then. Those who got slapped and will stand up, face you and say "You wont slap me again". They got slapped again and would still get back up and say "Not again".I think these type of people life get tired of hitting them and at the end they win, not sure though.

When life knocks you down, you have a difficult choice to make. You can cry and tell people how unfortunate you are, some will pity you of course, some will laugh, but eventually people will get used to the story and get tired of the same story. People are always looking for a new story, whether positive or negative, we want to hear and see something different for a change. Yes we get tired, the story no longer becomes interesting. When are you going to change your story?

We have a few who will face the challenge, not necessarily head on, but will train, will learn the tactics, will create a team of like minded who can help them face the fight. They equip themselves and get ready for the second round. And how do they get ready? They ask God for strength, they read books, they ask experienced people. They dream and nurture their dreams such that they are bigger than their fears. These people have a story that is known by everyone. They have been slapped. Some people are laughing at them, those who love them feel sorry for them, they pity them. But they are determined to change that story.

When you decide to change your story, other people will stand up and help you rewrite your story. Do you have the burning desire to re-write your life story. How much are you willing to sacrifice to reach for your dreams. What story are you going to write? Are you going to repeat the same story all over again or are you willing to write a new one, close that chapter and write a good one. Are you going to stay a victim or you want to be seen as a survivor, as a hero despite the circumstances you encountered. Its only a matter of choice, you change the way you see yourself and you tell yourself everyday that you are better than yesterday and tomorrow you will be better than today.

Dont look for people`s approval, the world would tell you you cant do it, that you are not good enough, that you dont have the skills or experience. All these will echo on your head until you believe them. But you can choose to ignore the world and believe in yourself. Do what resonates with you trusting, hoping and having faith on your creator that He wont let you go this far to forsake you. Its only after you have travelled this world, you have set down with different people that you will understand that what you are going through is nothing compared to the next person. That's when you will learn to appreciate the little things that you have.

Only a few if not none will support you during the process, but everyone is watching. Some cant wait to tell you "We told you, you cant do this", some cant wait to congratulate you when you are successful. That's just life! We have to live it anyway. Change your story. Its never too late.

How are you raising your kids?

"Good parenting is not about how to create little prodigies, but rather its how to help our children live their lives to the best of their abilities." unknown

Overprotected kids feel safe and comfortable because they don't have to face any fears. It feels wonderful to a kid and as parents we are proud we are doing great for our kids, but only for a while. Why do our kids feel entitled to everything? What generation are we raising? Are we really proud of ourselves with what our kids become?

It pains my heart at times when I look around and find parents deep in debts, to an extent of committing suicide just because they can't provide for their kids` "wants". We are living in a culture saturated with things. Our kids constantly want more and more and if we don't provide we are labelled, "This b**** is refusing to buy me a new dress, but Fifi`s mother bought her a nice dress", on facebook. Whats up with all the entitlement? Will we rather be labelled than go out of our boundaries to please our kids?. Do we understand the life these kids are going into where almost every door has "NO"?. Are we preparing them for the pain, disappointment they are going to face? If we don`t train them now, we are just heading for disaster. 

The other day my son asked me for P2 to go to school with. I asked him, "Why do you need P2?", "I want to buy chips, other kids are buying chips at break time", I looked at him and said, "Kids are not supposed to carry money to school, the reason they are buying chips is because they didn't have breakfast, if you are that concerned why don`t you take your breakfast to share with them so they don`t go to school hungry, that way they wont have to buy chips". We need to make them understand they can't have anything they want. And I remembered that this was the same principle my mum used on us. Beginning of each term she would buy each one of us a packet of sweets to sell and tell us the profits will be our pocket money and we should have enough to buy a new packet at the end of the week. At first we will eat all the sweets without selling, hoping she will buy or feel sorry for us and give us pocket money anyway. Not with my mother, she won't give you anything, until we understood that we really had to work hard to have the things we wanted. She provided for our needs not our wants.

Those who grew up with both their parents protected and given everything they needed are the same ones who would ask "Whats the goverment going to do with the poverty in my family?", "Whats the council going to do with the rubbish I threw on a public area?" And its a pity they outnumber those who understand that if you find rubbish where its not supposed to be you have to pick it up because your mother wont do it for you and neither is your father. In fact you will have to answer for leaving it there.

One thing I learnt and appreciate from my mother was to reward Hardwork . Every school term you were supposed to tell her which position in class you were aiming for, which grades you were going to get. When you achieve that she will do anything you want for you and she kept her promises. I remember when we wanted a TV, she said "If you all pass and do the household chores without my supervision, I will buy the TV". We managed each other, we supported each other throughout that term and when the results came out, we even chose where we were going to sit because we knew the TV was coming. Are you raising a Confident kid or an arrogant kid? Next blog post.....

The power of vision!

I am this type of person who believes I could find a solution to any problem or challenge that come my way. I might not know how or where to look to at that particular moment but I know it will come and in most cases I wouldn`t have to spend sleepless nights over it. I believed I was just born lucky and my affirmation "God will provide, or God will show me how"always worked wonders. Until I read a book which put everything on perspective.

I have come to a point in my life where I don`t question anything that happens in my life. I might not know what brings about satisfaction in your life but to me having "Peace of Mind" is the most fulfilling feeling ever. And how do you get these feelings;

                                                               mental and emotional calmness

                                                               happiness and freedom

                                                               no worries;

when the world we live in presents; pain and sorrow, heartbreaks, untrustworthy loved ones, no jobs, all disheartening events to name a few. All you need is to find your purpose and have a vision.

Let me be spiritual for a bit now; You see when God created this world, He had a vision, just like a builder building a house will have a sketch of how it should look like before they even start building. Everything was clear to God and He keeps on amending and making new developments to His creation. The world is never coming to an end, that we can bet on. God didn`t save you or me to go to Heaven, No! We are saved to finish our assignments on earth.

You might have come as a surprise to your parents but not to God. He knew when and where He will need you to carry out His assignment. You were born at the right time and place and your purpose has already been finished in the spiritual world, all you need to do is fulfill it on earth. You can have all the riches on this earth, or be the poorest person alive but you will never be satisfied or happy until you fulfill your purpose. You see being rich and being poor are both hobbies chosen by different people, its all in the mindset, buts that`s a topic for another day. Your purpose will come to you as a vision.

Where do you get your vision, and How do you know your purpose?

What I have realised is that, we will enjoy the earthly things, do this, do that and when you have consumed everything or I say tried all, you still find yourself unhappy then you turn to God to give you your purpose. "Your purpose is already there!", (excuse me for shouting) but it has been there even before your were born. We then do all sorts of things to find something that is within us. You go to church to have a prophesy. Sorry to say this but I have never heard anyone saying their prophesy was a lie, these men and women of God have that interesting capabilities of looking into your life and thoughts. They are not looking into your future but giving you hope for the future and making you reflect on your life and thoughts. Some we check-in at sangomas, traditional doctors, pyschics e.t.c

All you need is to look deep into your soul, take time by yourself and do some self-introspection, find who you are and become friends with your thoughts. Can you hear that cry? That burning desire to achieve something, Those thoughts that keep coming back to you year in, year out. Those constant reminders of what you should do? Then dont look any further, God will guide you and bring the right helpers and get rid of the obstacles. Put your trust on Him and He will do miracles.

Get Started!

The vision must be followed by the venture. It is not enough to stare up the steps - we must step up the stairs.

Those who have watched their kids on their first walk will understand. I remember very well the first time my son stood up and moved his foot. Of course he immediately fell, but how quickly he stood up again and tried was a marvel to watch. You could see the excitement on his eyes and feel the determination. All he needed to do was START and I guess we can now talk of miracles if need be. He started and there was no turning back. One foot after the other, falling, standing up, one, two, down, up, one, two, three, yeah! hardwork nana, keep the momentum and Bingo!

The most difficult thing in life is getting started. Many of us do not reach our goals and don`t realize our dreams because we just cant START. You fail to start and eventually you give up on your dream. 

You find this lady you truly love and you wish you could ask her out but you get too scared, what if she say No, what if she doesn't respond as I want. These questions overpower the what if she say YES question and you end up giving up the chase. Then you keep regretting, but you didn't try, you couldn't START the process. 

You have this burning desire to start a business, the idea is great and you are excited about it. A few months later someone else has started the same idea and doing a wonderful job. That`s exactly how you pictured it, and yes you once explained it to them, but you didn't START, no one stole your idea but someone implemented what you couldn't start for so many months. yeah! such is life.

There is a call that PRDP's (whatever that is!) are free and everyone is rushing to the opportunity, well not me, I will wait until everything settles down. By the time everything settles down rules have changed, prices have gone up, you cant do it anymore and you beat yourself up, but you didn't start, you couldn't do it when you needed to. (just saying anyway, not sure this example is relevant). maybe the Gaborone North plots 20 years back would have been a better example.

The bottom line is don`t expect miracles out of nothing. We expect a miracle to happen to someone in Gaborone who went to a tap, turned it on, no water but wait in hope that water will come out, but we cant expect the same to happen to someone lying on a sofa, updating Facebook status "No water here". Make an effort if you want to achieve anything in life. 

Life is exciting once you realize what you can do and how much you can change on this earth. I have this believe that spontaneous people enjoy life. These are people with no boundaries, people who are still kids at heart. And you will find that they are always happy, not because they don`t go through tribulations and heartbreak but because they see beyond the pain. They understand that nothing stays forever and life is all about getting through to the other end. Keep moving forward no matter what.

Life without a Father! (daughter`s perspective)

I have no idea which one is more painful or pleasant, No Mother or No Father. I thank God for both my parents but mostly my mother. Asking me “How does it feel like to have No Father?” will be like asking me “How is it in Heaven?” We all want to go to Heaven and at the same time we are afraid to die. That’s because it’s only a place we can envision from what is said about it or from what the Bible tell us but it’s difficult to put an emotion to it. We are not even sure we would like the place even though we are promised milk and honey. The only experience we have is earth and whether it’s good or bad we don’t want to leave, it’s all we have.

Like I explained above its difficult for me to attach any feeling on whether I wish my father was present on my life or Not. It’s that part of my life that never existed and obviously I don’t see how I could miss it. I have never seen him or his family so I can’t even imagine where I got my looks, traits and talents. It’s even difficult to know whether what I am feeling is good or bad. Growing up in an extended family made it difficult to notice that there is a part of me missing. I can’t imagine how my life would have turned out had he been part of it, and it’s not something that comes to my mind. As much as I believe that the absence of one parent affects the child, it’s always difficult to put a measure of to what extent, whether positive or negative and I wouldn’t even try to go there.

Some things I learnt and will cherish to my grave that the absence of my father taught me are;

• Self-love;  don’t expect anyone to love or care for you more than yourself, don’t blame yourself or make excuses for someone who doesn’t know your worth. It starts with accepting yourself and being content with who you are (your flaws, mistakes, imperfections make you who you are). Keep on getting better.
• Self-dependence; Not everyone will be there for you all the time. Prepare yourself to be abandoned by the ones you trusted the most. You are all you have and you can do bad or good all by yourself. Be grateful for those who stick around but know that, it’s not forever.
• Forgiveness; Forgiveness is the key that unlocks the door of resentment and the handcuffs of hatred. It is a power that breaks the chains of bitterness and the shackles of selfishness.
• Don’t judge before you know the truth; not everything is as we see or hear about it. You have no idea of the pain behind that smile or the happiness behind that cry. There is always a deeper reason as to why we behave the way we do than it meets the eye. Never try to find faults in other people before you notice yours.

When something unfortunate happens in your life, it doesn’t change who you are. Don’t put a label on yourself in search of pity. Don’t blame yourself or anyone because you still have your own mistakes and choices to make and you wouldn’t want to be blamed. Being raised by one parent doesn’t make you any different from the child raised by both parents. We are all presented with equal opportunities in life and it’s up to us to live the life we want. Don’t make your kids despise one of the parent because of the decisions made. You are enough for that kid until they realize they have to fend for themselves.

 Be a better person and face your fears and conquer whatever life throws at you. Instead of feeling sorry for yourself, be determined to change the status quo. Let all the challenges you go through be a motivation to be a better person and to excel. Concentrate your energy into being the best you can instead of being revengeful.