Be intentional

I am one person who is argumentative when it comes to relationships. For some reason I believe in beautiful relationships, in their existence so to speak. In one of my previous posts I talked about why I never wanted to get married but later on changed my mind, Did I? I guess.. maybe.. well obviously because I am married and 5 years into it, though my husband and I are still figuring this marriage thing.

I think we both decided to stick to this boyfriend/girlfriend thing and leave marriage to paper.

In the event of understanding relationships, marriage and dating, one thing that stood out for me was our culture or societal pressures put on women. As a man you are brought up to believe you can get or date any woman of your choice. Our society makes our brothers feel like its their birth right to be able to make that choice. That makes it OK for a man to date a woman and throw her away like it never happened. Women on the other side are programmed to believe you have to wait for a signal and act on that signal. If there is no signal then Welcome to being Single and lonely.

Women are stuck in relationships they don`t want simply because they are afraid to be on the waiting list. We wonder if we lose this person who is going to love us again(as if we are loved), how long will we wait until the next person comes? "I am getting old, I have many kids, I need someone to take care of me, I will rather die here." If you ask someone out you are labelled, called names and suddenly you are not woman enough. I always wonder if this is the life we want for our kids.

One message I always give to my younger cousins is;

You can get any man you want BUT, Not any man should have you! This translates to, Be a choice BUT not an option. After dating for sometime and getting my heart broken I  intentionally decided that I was going to work hard on myself and for myself to be the woman I wanted to be. I decided to give myself the best present anyone could give me which is believing in myself, loving myself, respecting myself, trusting myself, forgiving myself and intentionally growing myself. I knew with this present I wouldn`t need any validation from anyone that I am beautiful because I know I am beautiful, I know I am intelligent, I know I am worthy and I know my value.

I tell them, if you dont have a stand, and dont know your worth, and what you want, you will watch as people dictate what goes in and out of your life. I tell them afford yourself so the next person understands what they can bring to the table is pure and genuine love, nothing else. We spend time looking for people to fulfill our needs that we overlook people who wants to love us and we still say we want love to be served. If you come looking hungry, someone will give you food. 

Buy your own drinks, dont let some make you drink Heineken when you dont find it tasty. Be able to say "No thanks love, I will get myself a bottle of Amarula". Be able to say "my cab is waiting for me outside", when someone is still negotiating on taking you home. When I met my husband and he asked for my number, I said "No, give me yours instead, I know you men dont call", well he insisted and he called the same day just to say "See, I called, I am not like all men", and the rest is history. Be intentional..

Grow through life...

My coach always say "Every milestone in your life will require the new version of yourself," and these thought provoking words have shaped my life in a way I never imagined. I have seen myself become a better version of myself growing through this life to a point where I literally enjoy my today and get excited about my tomorrow.

Looking back at my life, there is nothing I regret and nothing I wish I could have changed because I have always been intentional about what I wanted out of life. I realized that every part of my life needed a different personality and character in order to preserve my values, my aspirations and my principles. These were the only constant and concrete characteristics of who I am. One thing I appreciate now about my life (which I didn't back then) was being exposed to the real world at a tender age. My brother and I had a sudden change in our lives at an age which I believe to be critical. For the first time in our lives we had to live with strangers in a crowded place with few resources and more freedom. I was used to my mother planning every aspect of my life, when to wake up, when to go to bed, what to wear, what to eat, when to study. I remember when we were out playing unless my mother send someone to come call us we wouldn't go back home no matter the time.

All of a sudden I am in a new environment, different values, different principles, different people, it was like a new chapter was opened. I then realized this chapter of my life require a different person who has strong values, who knew what they wanted and a good decision maker. I had to grow and this was a forceful growth which I was not ready for and I had to be intentional about it. I had to think of who I wanted to be, how I wanted to behave, my relations with other people, the kind of friends I wanted to have. Being intentional means knowing exactly what you are going to do, things to avoid and its like a plan of your daily actions. One thing I realized about this was as much as you want to be thorough in this planning, there are things you will not cater for, because you didn't think they were important or you thought they were unlikely to happen, and these are the things that will knock you down, make you unsettled on your actions and I have experienced all these. When all these happen, you are forced to change, change strategy, change plans, change the way of thinking, unlearn and relearn new things, discard some of the behaviors and become a different person though not changing who you are, your values and your principles.

Many people are stuck in the idea of "No one is going to change me, they found me like this," and when you look at what they are not willing to change is just some behaviors, some way of thinking, some plans which are not working, and not necessarily who they are or their values. You keep doing the same things and expect different outcomes, not so possible. Many times we need to introspect and wonder if we are GROWING through life or we are just GOING through life. The transformation in your life should be exciting that you cant wait for tomorrow because you want to see how things will unfold, how you are going to use the learned things in the next challenging circumstances. You have to trust that you are more knowledgeable than yesterday, more strong, more honest, more resilient than before and that anything life throws at you, you are ready and already excited. Don`t be too excited when someone says "You haven't changed a bit", unless its physical appearance.

Hate: the bitter pill

In life you must choose your own struggles and live by them. We make a mistake of wanting everything that we see on earth that life start pulling us in all directions. If you want to be rich, focus on that. If you want a healthy lifestyle, focus on that and everything else will fall into place. My struggles as I was growing up was happiness and peace of mind. These were my core, if it made me happy and gave me peace of mind, I will go for it. When life happens, and you start living life as it is, your fantasies all fade away. You then realize its not all glitz, happiness and peace of mind are far-fetched. They are not attainable when people disappoint you, when everything goes wrong, when you are financially stranded.

As if our struggles are not enough there are people who will just hate you for whatever reason and I find myself wondering, “Don’t we have enough on our plate already to be hated?”. I remember my first encounter with someone telling me how much they hate me. Yes, I was as shocked. I couldn’t believe it, to me this was one lie someone has ever told me and to my face. My worry was why this person find it easy to lie to me like that. Where do they get that idea that they hate me? Who gave them the platform to hate me when I never recognized them in the first place? I was not even bothered by why they hate me, but by why they think they hate me.

But then I learnt something valuable out of that. You don’t have to give someone a reason to hate you, people will hate anyway. Whether they know you or don’t, whether you are part of their life or not. Someone will hate you from afar and someone close to you will hate you the same. We hate for different reasons. You can hate someone because they seem to have it all under control while you are struggling. You can hate someone because they are always happy and cheerful when you can`t find anything to smile about. You can hate someone because they seem to be getting along with everyone and no matter how friendly you are, you never seem to get the same reception. Hate has nothing to do with the person it is sent towards but more to do with the hater.

It`s about our insecurities and thinking that everyone is out there to get you. Once you realize that nobody cares about you but yourself, that no one spends sleepless nights thinking about what you have or don’t have, that the world doesn’t really revolve around you, then you will see that its never about you, nobody really cares. What`s even painful is that at times people are not even aware you hate them, they are busy with their own struggle to notice you didn’t greet them when you entered the room. When you have gathered the courage to let them know, it still doesn’t change anything. You may feel better at that moment but, does that change the other person? “I doubt”, Does it change your feelings towards them? “Not sure”, Does your life get better? “I don’t know”, Does your name automatically gets erased from the book of HELL and written on HEAVEN? “maybe”.

It`s you who must change, not the other person. Fight your inner demons instead of trying to find demons on other people. Get to know yourself and appreciate everything about you even your flaws. Stop being too hard on yourself and give yourself some love, so you can be able to give others love even those who don’t deserve it. Self-introspect, get to know why you are feeling like that and work on that.

Letting go

In life we go through so many experiences both good and bad. We are exposed  to certain lifestyles, cultures, opinions, myths and habits. What you turn out to be is a combination of all exposures you had.

The mind is the most powerful part of our body that makes us who we are. When change has to happen in one`s life, first the mind should be willing. As a kid its easier for their minds to learn something, unlearn it and relearn a new one. That's because they have little exposure and they are open-minded about anything.

When I was growing up, I used to hate marriage with every bit of my being. I never pictured myself with a husband, let alone changing my surname to someone else`s. I used to look at couples and thought over my dead body would I go through this. I watched as those egocentric men added no value to their wives lives, how they deprived them of living their lives to their full potential, how they used to disrespect their families and have the society at their mercy, how it used to be a man`s world.

I vowed to myself that no one was going to deprive me of my freedom, no one was going to take care of me and later use that as justification for their wrong doings, no one was going to keep me in the house  to take care of the family while they are out there gallivanting, no one was going to limit my potential and no one was going to tell me how to live my life. My mind was made up when it came to marriage and I didn't see where it would fit into my life. I was this young woman ready to risk it all in a man `s world, ready to break the habits and mostly ready to show the world that a woman can do it all by herself.

There was a point in my life when I was angry with the world, angry with everyone around me and even angry with myself. I had to pause and look deep into my heart and ask myself where all that anger came from. I wondered why the subject of marriage gave me shivers, why I felt the urge to state my opinions even when the conversation was not directed to me. It was the time when I started personal development. Mind you, the intention was not to change my mindset but rather make myself strong-opinionated on my then facts.

I was angry and all the anger came from all the bad things that happened in the past that I had no control over that I was not letting go. It came from all the beliefs that I constantly wanted to prove which were never real. It came from all the exposures of the past which had nothing to do with me. The anger was caused by new exposures, habits and learning which threatened my original beliefs. I didn't want to believe that there may be some truths besides the truths that I have known for the past years. It was hard battling with those feelings when your past, your old beliefs, old opinions, old pain and disappointments were challenged.

We all have reasons why we never want to let go of our old self and as for me, there was someone challenging my old being. I didn't want to give this person the satisfaction of being right or changing my perspective about life. I felt this person had no idea where I was coming from, my past, my truth and their criticism to my facts was an insult to my intelligence.  

To be continued......................

Pain: What it teaches you

Last year I got a call from one of my cousins`s workplace and it sounded urgent. Rushing there all I could think of was maybe she collapsed and I was wondering why they are not calling me from the hospital or asking me to meet them there. When I got there I found a group of people standing outside offices and she was among them looking all fit. Immediately I knew I shouldn't have come, she probably has done something terrible, something unthinkable but it was too late to turn back.

As I walked towards them I saw her car, burnt, my heart skipped and I stopped on the way where she met me. I wanted to ask what happened but then decided that's not what she needed at that time. Gave her a hug and we stood there in a moment of silence for sometime then she whispered into my ear, "I lost my job yesterday, was given my retrenchment letter." My heart collapsed. I found myself wondering the implications of having your heart go up there as if it will escape through your throat and in a matter of seconds sink down and all you can do is close your legs tight so it doesn't leave you through wherever. I was devastated, tears filled my eyes but I knew I was better than that. I was not going to cry, not in front of her and not in front of these people.

I thanked the people there and told her we can go home. She said, "No, I have a class, I am fine." I don't know what got into me and I found myself lashing at her, "Yes you are going home, Who do you think you are? Miss Hardcore? No Pain? Who are you trying to show how strong you can be or you want to look miserable here with people feeling pity for you. You think that will bring back your car or your job?." I was angry and in pain and I could relate how our parents used to beat us for hurting ourselves. It wasn't because they didn't care but because they cared too deep to see you go through the same ordeal again. I hated the way she acted tough because I knew it wouldn't last. I hated how she didn't want to feel the pain and accept it. I hated the way her voice sounded and the words she used because to me it sounded like someone who was helpless and wanted people to pity her. I hated every moment of it.

I was not going to tell her it was going to be fine because I knew it was not going to be miraculously fine. If you want things to be fine, you don't just wish and wait for them to be fine. You work to make things fine. It starts with the little decisions and steps you take, and the first step is acknowledging the pain, feeling the pain and going through the pain. Submerging the pain doesn't make you strong or make the pain go away. It only prolong the healing process. Many times we know what caused us the pain in the first place and we cant get out of it because we are still in denial of what we did wrong. We need someone to blame for our pain and never do we blame ourselves. As soon as we realize our wrong doings the sooner we will be able to move forward as better people.

Yes, admitting your faults is more painful but if you want to be a better person you need to understand what you need to change about yourself to be that person you wish to. I always find this phrase used by most people that "its who I am, I cant change, I am always like this" annoying because who you are its a matter of choice. You decide who you want to be, its not something embedded in your DNA. Pain should change you, It should make you see things in a different perspective. It should make you want to be better. If you find yourself wishing things could go back to where you were before pain, know that you have not experienced pain enough to never look back. 

PAIN IS A LESSON.

Be warned!

2016 was a great year especially for me. I had so many things to figure out and to decide on. There was so much of wondering and a bit of what ifs here and there. One message I got from last year which transformed my thinking was “Don`t just go through life, but grow through life, for Growth is Joy.”

I know my birthday is a bit far but I need all of you my beloved friends to know that I am growing through life and I don`t need past years negativity and witchcraft surrounding me. I don`t understand why you people act like you are history books, and where do you get the memory to keep such archives. The way I take selfies everyday my phone wouldn`t allow me to keep any photo I took yesterday. But you people have photos from 5 years back, my cousin has a photo taken in 1987 in her phone, I mean shouldn`t that photo be at a museum at least or maybe a monument like “Dikgosi tse tharo”, that would make sense.

You wait until they get a Facebook notification saying “Its Tsaone`s birthday today”, Yo! Yo! Yo! You will swear they just got out of witchcraft initiation, strong and ready to take down the world. Before you know it your timeline is full of people you don`t even recognize and they are using these ugly people to wish you a happy birthday. Why don`t you type “HBD” if you have nothing good to say. You peep through the photos and you see three people, “the witch”, you and a guy beside you, when you look closer, “Your Ex”! uhu... You don`t have any picture of you and this guy/girl, don`t know how he/she might look like now, you don`t even know whether he/she is in Botswana or relocated to Francistown and someone have the audacity to surprise you. Well I am surprised, very much surprised.

As if that is not enough, another one posts a picture of you back then, before real phones and makeup, you know those photos when you had acne problem and your face looked really bad. Hehehehe! 10 minutes later you have 45 inboxes and 73 friend requests of people asking you what you used on your face, sad stories of people telling you how long they have been struggling with pimples and you should help them. Do you know how hard it is to start replying to those people saying “ My sister I know what you are talking about, surrender yourself God and you will find your healing. Let him cleanse you, you will see miracles” when you know your skin is still the same but you have grown to accept it and bought your makeup kit and a real phone. You know better not to take that negativity to Facebook.

If you don`t have any good picture of me say it now so I send you my perfect selfies. And delete all those photos you have of me. Just delete all of them, I know they bad, you didn`t take me from my good side and beauty was not activated, and that was not me. Do unto others what you would like done unto you. Some phones are better left to do what they are good at, calling and sending messages. Motho a te a leke go ntsaya senepe ka Nokia, o tlaa utwa hela ka mpama ha gare ga matho. Less talking, more action.

Change your story!

Life can be cruel at times. You can get the hardest slap across your face that would send you down on your bottom. When this happens we react differently, some lie there and cry their heart out, cursing everyone and everything and even the day they were born. You ask yourself "Why me?", why not you?.

And then we have the fearless ones, those who no matter how painful and hard the slap they will stand up and face the challenge again. They remind me of the school fights back then. Those who got slapped and will stand up, face you and say "You wont slap me again". They got slapped again and would still get back up and say "Not again".I think these type of people life get tired of hitting them and at the end they win, not sure though.

When life knocks you down, you have a difficult choice to make. You can cry and tell people how unfortunate you are, some will pity you of course, some will laugh, but eventually people will get used to the story and get tired of the same story. People are always looking for a new story, whether positive or negative, we want to hear and see something different for a change. Yes we get tired, the story no longer becomes interesting. When are you going to change your story?

We have a few who will face the challenge, not necessarily head on, but will train, will learn the tactics, will create a team of like minded who can help them face the fight. They equip themselves and get ready for the second round. And how do they get ready? They ask God for strength, they read books, they ask experienced people. They dream and nurture their dreams such that they are bigger than their fears. These people have a story that is known by everyone. They have been slapped. Some people are laughing at them, those who love them feel sorry for them, they pity them. But they are determined to change that story.

When you decide to change your story, other people will stand up and help you rewrite your story. Do you have the burning desire to re-write your life story. How much are you willing to sacrifice to reach for your dreams. What story are you going to write? Are you going to repeat the same story all over again or are you willing to write a new one, close that chapter and write a good one. Are you going to stay a victim or you want to be seen as a survivor, as a hero despite the circumstances you encountered. Its only a matter of choice, you change the way you see yourself and you tell yourself everyday that you are better than yesterday and tomorrow you will be better than today.

Dont look for people`s approval, the world would tell you you cant do it, that you are not good enough, that you dont have the skills or experience. All these will echo on your head until you believe them. But you can choose to ignore the world and believe in yourself. Do what resonates with you trusting, hoping and having faith on your creator that He wont let you go this far to forsake you. Its only after you have travelled this world, you have set down with different people that you will understand that what you are going through is nothing compared to the next person. That's when you will learn to appreciate the little things that you have.

Only a few if not none will support you during the process, but everyone is watching. Some cant wait to tell you "We told you, you cant do this", some cant wait to congratulate you when you are successful. That's just life! We have to live it anyway. Change your story. Its never too late.