Hate: the bitter pill

In life you must choose your own struggles and live by them. We make a mistake of wanting everything that we see on earth that life start pulling us in all directions. If you want to be rich, focus on that. If you want a healthy lifestyle, focus on that and everything else will fall into place. My struggles as I was growing up was happiness and peace of mind. These were my core, if it made me happy and gave me peace of mind, I will go for it. When life happens, and you start living life as it is, your fantasies all fade away. You then realize its not all glitz, happiness and peace of mind are far-fetched. They are not attainable when people disappoint you, when everything goes wrong, when you are financially stranded.

As if our struggles are not enough there are people who will just hate you for whatever reason and I find myself wondering, “Don’t we have enough on our plate already to be hated?”. I remember my first encounter with someone telling me how much they hate me. Yes, I was as shocked. I couldn’t believe it, to me this was one lie someone has ever told me and to my face. My worry was why this person find it easy to lie to me like that. Where do they get that idea that they hate me? Who gave them the platform to hate me when I never recognized them in the first place? I was not even bothered by why they hate me, but by why they think they hate me.

But then I learnt something valuable out of that. You don’t have to give someone a reason to hate you, people will hate anyway. Whether they know you or don’t, whether you are part of their life or not. Someone will hate you from afar and someone close to you will hate you the same. We hate for different reasons. You can hate someone because they seem to have it all under control while you are struggling. You can hate someone because they are always happy and cheerful when you can`t find anything to smile about. You can hate someone because they seem to be getting along with everyone and no matter how friendly you are, you never seem to get the same reception. Hate has nothing to do with the person it is sent towards but more to do with the hater.

It`s about our insecurities and thinking that everyone is out there to get you. Once you realize that nobody cares about you but yourself, that no one spends sleepless nights thinking about what you have or don’t have, that the world doesn’t really revolve around you, then you will see that its never about you, nobody really cares. What`s even painful is that at times people are not even aware you hate them, they are busy with their own struggle to notice you didn’t greet them when you entered the room. When you have gathered the courage to let them know, it still doesn’t change anything. You may feel better at that moment but, does that change the other person? “I doubt”, Does it change your feelings towards them? “Not sure”, Does your life get better? “I don’t know”, Does your name automatically gets erased from the book of HELL and written on HEAVEN? “maybe”.

It`s you who must change, not the other person. Fight your inner demons instead of trying to find demons on other people. Get to know yourself and appreciate everything about you even your flaws. Stop being too hard on yourself and give yourself some love, so you can be able to give others love even those who don’t deserve it. Self-introspect, get to know why you are feeling like that and work on that.

Letting go

In life we go through so many experiences both good and bad. We are exposed  to certain lifestyles, cultures, opinions, myths and habits. What you turn out to be is a combination of all exposures you had.

The mind is the most powerful part of our body that makes us who we are. When change has to happen in one`s life, first the mind should be willing. As a kid its easier for their minds to learn something, unlearn it and relearn a new one. That's because they have little exposure and they are open-minded about anything.

When I was growing up, I used to hate marriage with every bit of my being. I never pictured myself with a husband, let alone changing my surname to someone else`s. I used to look at couples and thought over my dead body would I go through this. I watched as those egocentric men added no value to their wives lives, how they deprived them of living their lives to their full potential, how they used to disrespect their families and have the society at their mercy, how it used to be a man`s world.

I vowed to myself that no one was going to deprive me of my freedom, no one was going to take care of me and later use that as justification for their wrong doings, no one was going to keep me in the house  to take care of the family while they are out there gallivanting, no one was going to limit my potential and no one was going to tell me how to live my life. My mind was made up when it came to marriage and I didn't see where it would fit into my life. I was this young woman ready to risk it all in a man `s world, ready to break the habits and mostly ready to show the world that a woman can do it all by herself.

There was a point in my life when I was angry with the world, angry with everyone around me and even angry with myself. I had to pause and look deep into my heart and ask myself where all that anger came from. I wondered why the subject of marriage gave me shivers, why I felt the urge to state my opinions even when the conversation was not directed to me. It was the time when I started personal development. Mind you, the intention was not to change my mindset but rather make myself strong-opinionated on my then facts.

I was angry and all the anger came from all the bad things that happened in the past that I had no control over that I was not letting go. It came from all the beliefs that I constantly wanted to prove which were never real. It came from all the exposures of the past which had nothing to do with me. The anger was caused by new exposures, habits and learning which threatened my original beliefs. I didn't want to believe that there may be some truths besides the truths that I have known for the past years. It was hard battling with those feelings when your past, your old beliefs, old opinions, old pain and disappointments were challenged.

We all have reasons why we never want to let go of our old self and as for me, there was someone challenging my old being. I didn't want to give this person the satisfaction of being right or changing my perspective about life. I felt this person had no idea where I was coming from, my past, my truth and their criticism to my facts was an insult to my intelligence.  

To be continued......................

Pain: What it teaches you

Last year I got a call from one of my cousins`s workplace and it sounded urgent. Rushing there all I could think of was maybe she collapsed and I was wondering why they are not calling me from the hospital or asking me to meet them there. When I got there I found a group of people standing outside offices and she was among them looking all fit. Immediately I knew I shouldn't have come, she probably has done something terrible, something unthinkable but it was too late to turn back.

As I walked towards them I saw her car, burnt, my heart skipped and I stopped on the way where she met me. I wanted to ask what happened but then decided that's not what she needed at that time. Gave her a hug and we stood there in a moment of silence for sometime then she whispered into my ear, "I lost my job yesterday, was given my retrenchment letter." My heart collapsed. I found myself wondering the implications of having your heart go up there as if it will escape through your throat and in a matter of seconds sink down and all you can do is close your legs tight so it doesn't leave you through wherever. I was devastated, tears filled my eyes but I knew I was better than that. I was not going to cry, not in front of her and not in front of these people.

I thanked the people there and told her we can go home. She said, "No, I have a class, I am fine." I don't know what got into me and I found myself lashing at her, "Yes you are going home, Who do you think you are? Miss Hardcore? No Pain? Who are you trying to show how strong you can be or you want to look miserable here with people feeling pity for you. You think that will bring back your car or your job?." I was angry and in pain and I could relate how our parents used to beat us for hurting ourselves. It wasn't because they didn't care but because they cared too deep to see you go through the same ordeal again. I hated the way she acted tough because I knew it wouldn't last. I hated how she didn't want to feel the pain and accept it. I hated the way her voice sounded and the words she used because to me it sounded like someone who was helpless and wanted people to pity her. I hated every moment of it.

I was not going to tell her it was going to be fine because I knew it was not going to be miraculously fine. If you want things to be fine, you don't just wish and wait for them to be fine. You work to make things fine. It starts with the little decisions and steps you take, and the first step is acknowledging the pain, feeling the pain and going through the pain. Submerging the pain doesn't make you strong or make the pain go away. It only prolong the healing process. Many times we know what caused us the pain in the first place and we cant get out of it because we are still in denial of what we did wrong. We need someone to blame for our pain and never do we blame ourselves. As soon as we realize our wrong doings the sooner we will be able to move forward as better people.

Yes, admitting your faults is more painful but if you want to be a better person you need to understand what you need to change about yourself to be that person you wish to. I always find this phrase used by most people that "its who I am, I cant change, I am always like this" annoying because who you are its a matter of choice. You decide who you want to be, its not something embedded in your DNA. Pain should change you, It should make you see things in a different perspective. It should make you want to be better. If you find yourself wishing things could go back to where you were before pain, know that you have not experienced pain enough to never look back. 

PAIN IS A LESSON.